To Hurt To Live : A Nellis Fanfic, Part 1

~ = poem

* = main story



~Sometimes I wonder how you can do it.

*Ellis sat at a table with Coach, staring at the spaghetti in front of him. Playing with and tossing the noodles with his fork. His mind on the fact that Nick could do something like this to him.

~How you can sit back and watch yourself hurt someone so bad and not feel guilt

*Sure, he was glad C.E.D.A had finally come to their rescue. Sure, he loved the fact that he no longer had to worry and starving or being mauled by flesh eating monsters. But he wanted so badly for the group to be back out on their own, to be fighting zombies again.

~You say things to me, behind me or about me

*So that Nick wouldn't be sitting at another table, flirting with every cute girl he could find. Maybe he was just playing around and would soon return to Ellis, comforting him the way he used to in the safe rooms.

~And you still look at me the same way

*Nick hadn't said a word to Ellis since they were rescued, probably because he never wanted to talk to him ever again. Ellis wasn't afraid of telling everyone he was gay, if it meant he could be with his lover. But Nick, on the other hand wanted to keep their past secret.

~With those eyes of green searching for answers inside me

*He knew it hurt the kid, maybe that was why he was doing it. Ellis knew he had relationship problems his whole life, a heart of stone some people would call it.

~You want to know everything, you want to know how I feel

*But Ellis had seen his soft side. The person he seemed to be, a tough gambler was really a softy looking for a person to express his feelings with.

~And if I'm truly hurting inside

*Every night and day he spent without Nick, Ellis would wish the man would understand.

~You just have to ask and I'll tell you

*The only thing he had to do, was tell Nick how he felt. That was all. Yet, he simply didn't have the courage to do so.

~You were the first boy I ever loved

*Ellis didn't know why he couldn't tell Nick. Walk over to him and tell him exactly how he felt.

~You were the one who took my heart and locked it inside of yours

*He would embrace Nick in his arms and never let go. Only, he couldn't. If Nick really loved him, wouldn't he confess his love to Ellis? Why did everything seem so confusing. All Ellis wanted was to go back to killing zombies, so him and Nick could enjoy be together again.

~You placed your fingers in between mine, and in the end

*In his dreams, Ellis recalled all his and Nick's joyous moments. When they first kissed, and when Nick first told him about his past. How Nick curled up and cried to Ellis every night.

~You took that heart and shredded it into pieces

*Now, Nick had nothing to cry about, did he? How could he not see Ellis hurting. Why did Nick make him suffer so badly?

~You could have torn it in half, it would have been easier to put back together

*Rochelle had tried to comfort Ellis. Telling him it would be alright and that he had nothing to worry about. That Nick would come to his senses and see who he really loved.

~But instead

*Now, every time the two encountered. They said the usual, "Hey.." or "How you doing?" Which they would simply reply, "I'm doing good." and walk past each other as if nothing was wrong.

~You tore it, piece by piece you you shredded it

*Ellis wanted to cry, to let it all out. But to who? Coach would tell him to be tough and he would make it through. Rochelle would say that Nick is just going through a phase. And he couldn't talk to Nick. Nothing was right anymore. Nothing was the same.

~And no one wants to fix it

*So now, that was what had become of the two. Ellis knew they could never repair a hurt so deep. It would haunt him for life. And there was nothing he could do about it.

~Nobody can, but you...